We often think of managing as a one-way street – from manager to team member.
For many of us, managing “up” — effectively working with our managers — can feel even harder than managing down.
When I first started in business the divide between employee and employer was vast. There was an unspoken rule: your boss was someone to be wary of, someone you definitely didn’t see as an equal. That old “us vs. them” mindset is still around in some workplaces, with bosses resenting and feeling burdened by the costs of their teams — the need for training, personal issues, and career development. And as employees, we can feel the tension, unsure of how to bridge that gap.
It is easy to manage up when your boss is open, kind , inclusive , gives you feedback , lifts you up, has your back when things go wrong. The real challenge is creating a successful and productive relationship when none of the above apply.
I’ve worked with both types of leaders. And I learned the hard way how to manage up, mostly by not doing it right.
Here’s what I wish I knew back then:
Mistakes I Made (So You Don’t Have To)
1. I Felt Inferior: I looked at my superiors as being on a whole different level. I assumed I was less skilled and had to “prove” myself constantly. The lack of positive feedback fuelled that insecurity.
2. I Never Asked for Feedback: I was stuck guessing whether I was doing a good job or not. Sometimes I thought I was excelling, sometimes I knew I wasn’t — but I never asked. I stayed silent.
3. I Didn’t Own My Mistakes: When things went wrong, I was internally beating myself up but never expressed that to my boss. Instead of taking responsibility and showing growth, I remained closed off. I assumed I had to stay strong.
4. I Stayed Distant: I didn’t share personal struggles, even during challenging times like my divorce which I told no one about until sometime later when someone asked why I had lost weight ! It wasn’t because I didn’t care, it just didn’t seem appropriate. I assumed no one was interested.
5. I Suppressed My Ideas: I didn’t speak up. Concerns, frustrations, ideas — all bottled up until they overwhelmed me.
Looking back, these actions created more problems than they solved. But over time — and with guidance from more positive leaders, and experience as a leader myself— I learned how to build a strong, mutually beneficial relationship with my boss – and it worked !
I learned how to build a strong, mutually beneficial relationship with my boss – and it worked !
So, What Works?
Cultivate Respect: Create a genuine respect – try and understand the challenges your boss faces and what they have to deal with – why do they communicate with you in a certain way ? Once you understand this their behaviour becomes less personal toward you and more circumstantial or a matter of style (it’s not always about you ! )
Don’t Assume: Neither you nor your boss has all the answers. When in doubt, look at the evidence, ask questions, and base conversations on facts.
Speak Their Language: If your boss is a numbers person, bring data. If they’re a visionary, focus on the bigger picture. Tailor your communication to their preferences.
Embrace Differences: Accept your differences and see them as a positive. Your communication styles, motivations, challenges and circumstances will differ – accept and understand that not everyone thinks like you. There is a lot to be learned from an alternative perspective.
Bring Solutions, Not Problems: It’s easy to point out what’s wrong. Instead, come enthusiastically prepared with potential solutions when raising issues. It shows initiative and positivity.
Ask for Help — Strategically: It’s okay to ask for help, but do it thoughtfully. Present your challenge and any efforts you’ve made to solve it before seeking guidance.
Stick to the Facts: Stick to facts when communicating – leave emotion out – be clear, calm and respectful – respond do not react. Back up your statements/ideas or issues with facts and examples – if you have your facts right , it is difficult to argue with them.
Show Gratitude: If your boss does something that helps or impresses you, say it. Complimenting or thanking them goes a long way in strengthening your relationship.
Give Feedback: Constructive feedback is key, even when it’s directed at your boss. If done respectfully, thoughtfully and genuinely it can open doors to better communication and mutual respect.
Be Clear in Your Communication: Whether you’re asking for something or clarifying expectations, make sure both sides know what’s needed and why. No room for misinterpretation.
Build Rapport Outside of Work: Show interest in your boss’s life beyond the office. Ask about their family, hobbies, or interests when appropriate
Use Humour: A little lightness can ease tension and make tough conversations more manageable.
Stay Flexible: Some of my best experiences have come from being open to new perspectives. Flexibility can lead to growth, so stay open-minded.
Follow Through: Deliver on your promises. If you say you’ll do something, do it.
Changing Your Mindset is Key
The foundation of managing up is changing how you view your relationship with your boss. See them as a partner in your professional growth, not an obstacle. Shifting this perspective can make a massive difference in how you feel about work and the results you get.
Key Takeaways:
· Be genuine
· Base your conversations on facts and try not to get over emotional
· Respect and understand your boss’s challenges.
· Be positive, clear, and flexible.
Managing up may not always be easy, but when done well, it can lead to a stronger, more productive relationship — and make your work life a whole lot better.